Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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