you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
