Do you still have your period?
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
