Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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