i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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