dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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