I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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