It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
This baby is an asshole
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I'm like, not good at living.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
