The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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