Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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