the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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