I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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