Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
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