Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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