I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize