Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
