just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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