i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
