your parents love me but you hate me
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Randomize
