I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
