He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
So apparently I’m into choking now
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
