dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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