I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize