please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
