After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Randomize
