wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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