....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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