My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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