Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
