I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
