well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Houston, we have a blender
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
