Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
You can't just leave with hair like that
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
