he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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