69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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