The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
