her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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