Cold hands, warm shart.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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