mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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