I want to walk on stilts...naked
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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