yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
