I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
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