So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
