Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
