apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
