The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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