its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
