I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
