it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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