I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
even my farts smell like vagina
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
