Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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