I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
