I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
