What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
