When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
