She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
