Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
I've blown a few things in my day
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize