I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
