Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
