Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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