On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize