I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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