I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
