sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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