I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
