3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize