They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
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