Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize
