i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
