I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
