I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
