I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
