great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
